We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
