I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
