She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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