I'm gonna have a badass scar
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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