Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize