There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
