Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
