I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
