I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
