I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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