Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
