My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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