I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
