Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
