I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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