Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
