you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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