I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize