I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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