there's paper in my vomit.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
