Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
