I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
