I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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