ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
