??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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