Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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