I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
