I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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