i'm signing you up for texting rehab
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize