I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
