U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
