got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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