so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
