How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
