Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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