we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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