I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
