Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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