Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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