last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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