It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
