you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
