are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
