remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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