$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
