Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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