So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
