matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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