just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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