First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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