I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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