i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
