I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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