I cannot find my penis.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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