remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
