Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
