grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
