the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
