I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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