singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize