i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
