i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
